tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46911972069114117292024-03-18T20:48:44.766-07:00simon still loves yousimonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-36420667947208576222013-05-26T13:16:00.002-07:002013-05-26T13:19:56.167-07:00Maybe weekly updates are more realisticIt's like that week after a visit to the dentist where you floss every day or after you get a gym membership. Once you miss a few days, realizing you have broken your sacred oath, what's really the point?<br />
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I was updating daily for a while there and then I just got busy. It's hard to want to write recreationally when you are doing it for a living, plus the Brody household is on high alert being 3 days past Maxi's due date. Excuses we got 'em.<br />
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I sent the last 20 minutes trying to find work that needs doing. Got nothing. So here's what I have:<br />
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Recent Celia-isms:<br />
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She has learned to follow up her post somersault "Ta-dahs" with "thank you, thank you."<br />
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The other day she was climbing up a bench and Sheri said to her "How come you're getting so big?" to which Celia replied, "How come you're so short?"<br />
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Brought her new keyboard with her in the car to pick Lily up at the vet to play her some songs. ("What song you like, Lily?")<br />
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Naming decisions<br />
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After much deliberation and deciding on Maxine as Celia's little sisters name, we spent another few months getting nowhere with picking a middle name. I lobbied for "Mum" which did not go over, I was then going for Etta and Billie, after hearing a Nina Simone song I thought that went with the general theme I was going for...<br />
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So Maxine Simone Brody. It sounds good. Grade school (middle school, high school) tormentors would be happy about that one.<br />
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I guess that's all for now. Oh and here are my new "business cards"(won't really be using them) are pasted below. I may have a few of them made, send your address if you want one.<br />
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Oh and we are about to go try to take Celia to the movies for the first time. Then swing by Andy and Sarah's wedding reception. Congratulations to them. (Especially for getting the destination wedding idea to work and avoiding the commotion)<br />
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<br />simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-10671688995767086292013-05-07T23:20:00.002-07:002013-05-07T23:31:26.046-07:00Adding it all upDid not want to do this. Was lying on the couch and the thought of posting a blog appealed to me like washing a sink full of dishes or planned socializing.<br />
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So, I was evaluating my day and I couldn't really think of anything to write about that was good that happened to me. But I guess it is all relative. Blessings: count those shits.<br />
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I posted on facebook about a week ago about seeing a guy, who lives an indeterminate and anonymizing proximity from my house, fall face first over his railing onto the sidewalk after drinking all afternoon. If anything about his sunday afternoon porch party had evoked wistful pangs of a by-gone day-drunk, seeing his buddy trying to get him back in the house put a damper on that.<br />
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Don't get me wrong I'm not taking any delight in his misery. He and his wife have always been nice people.<br />
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When a certain spouse of diminutive size and indeterminate ability to "mind her own" reported back from her duties as Chief of Concerned Neighbors Battalion One, turns out our man down had been asking for his wife through his daze (she was out with her friends for the evening.) We both thought it was kind of sweet that after his "boy's afternoon" had turned ugly, he just wanted his wife.<br />
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A few hours later it had to say it:<br />
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Me: "Sheri, that's the only thing that could make me wish I still drank."<br />
Her: "What"<br />
Me: "Being able to give you the joy of coming home to me drunk with broken shit on the front porch."<br />
Her: "Oh, I bet that would have been great"<br />
Me: "Actually probably not. I'll bet he's lying down and sleeping it off. I'd still have been going."<br />
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So yeah, I know those jokes were in poor taste. But whatever slight appeal they had went down sharply -- not just over the past week after seeing broken pottery staying in the same spot in the yard -- but more today when I saw dude's wife packing up.<br />
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Apparently times have not changed over the last 7 years, there is no new breed of uber-tolerant care-free women who come home on a sunday night and say "Oh you silly boy" to boyfriends/husbands with blunt head trauma and a high BAC.<br />
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It's a fine line getting into a neighbors business, like I said they have always been really nice, and if I see a spot where I can subtly offer a sympathetic ear I will. We're different in some respects: I don't drink beer and I'm not good with a chainsaw. In some ways we are incredibly similar: I just want my wife, too.<br />
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My point being: when I started to look at the good things that happened today it had to start with counting my blessings for the shit that didn't happen to me. My wife didn't pack up and leave. I miraculously opened up week-old mail from directloans and saw that a copy of my 2012 tax return was due today, so I got that in on time.<br />
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Other good stuff happened when I really stop to think about it. Got my registration for "Brody Law LLC" from the Missouri Secretary of State. My father-in-law looked at that house we are thinking about and did NOT find any major flaws with it and even thinks it's a good deal.<br />
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But the best thing that happened to me today? That's a tough one.<br />
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It would have been a tie.<br />
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First Place goes to waking up and seeing that video of Charles Ramsey who rescued those girls in Cleveland.<br />
Second Place goes to Celia playing with her horse figurines in the backseat of the car and getting one of them caught in her hair.<br />
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I have to give it to Charles because chances are he will never be on TV again. Chances that Celia will get another plastic toy lodged in her hair before the end of the week are good.<br />
<br />simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-40815035901135682302013-05-06T22:01:00.000-07:002013-05-06T22:01:39.869-07:00Creamer is for closersBusy day. Here are the highlights in order to try to post this before midnight.<br />
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She is definitely her father's daughter: Woke up to most over-the-top, aggressive (border-line violent) version of "Jingle Bells" ever sung by a 2 and a half year old.<br />
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Looked at a house. Aside from some flaws that I am hoping are fixable liked it.<br />
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Got a new client.<br />
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Went into Kansas City to check out an office share space for "Brody and Associates". The front desk guy gave me a brief tour... with Sheri and Celia (the associates). The first thing he showed me was the coffee shop which is in the process of being opened.<br />
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"For now there is free black coffee" :him.<br />
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"OK, cool" :me.<br />
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"When we open the black coffee will still be free." :him.<br />
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"So, we pay for milk and sugar?" :me.<br />
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<br />simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-77856913737209371342013-05-05T17:06:00.001-07:002013-05-05T17:06:23.529-07:00Weekend UpdateI was going to take the weekend off. I actually had a few things planned to write about but they would be a little more involved than I am willing to start right now. Instead, this:<br />
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I put my contacts in today since leaving the house before noon was involved. (Sheri and Celia and I went to "Art in the Park" with Celia's friend Roxie and her mom, Suzie.)<br />
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Celia was just in the bathroom and I guess she found my glasses on the counter. So she ran out into the living room with them.<br />
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"Here, daddy."<br />
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"Oh, thank you."<br />
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I then pretended to put them on (thinking she would just run away and get into something else.) Seeing that she wasn't going anywhere I tried to make a show of it and put them on upside down without unfolding them, going for the cheap laugh.<br />
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She just stood there watching me and said, "No, Daddy, that's wrong." Then proceeded to climb up onto the couch and put them on "properly" (unfolded, still upside down with lots of smudges on them.)<br />
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That's all you get.simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-36438149959043553422013-05-03T14:07:00.002-07:002013-05-03T14:07:45.955-07:00That Heavy Metal Music the Kids Like These DaysThat Heavy Metal Music the Kids Like These Days<br /><div>
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I am trying to keep my word on the daily posting front, this could get really boring for you if I keep posting about what I am up to today. I could tell you about what it was like watching "Brave" for the 200th time with Celia or I could expound on regulatory risk factors for mortgage brokerage start-ups. From there I could have Celia tell you about risk factors related to the movie "Brave" with insights such as "Be careful, horse. SLOW DOWN. You can get a big owwie." We'll skip that for today.</div>
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In the formative years of my musical tastes, where you start to associate the kind of music you like with the kind of person you are (or are thinking you will become), I hated Heavy Metal. At least I hated the idea of it. </div>
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I went to stay with my cousins in Manhattan for the summer when I was 13. My cousin Robbie and I were not getting along, I liked Duran Duran and the Police and he liked Motley Crue and Ratt. From his perspective anything "new wave" sucked, from repeated exposure to Motley Crue's video for "Smokin in the Boys Room" -- metal sucked way more... the music was terrible and they looked stupid playing it. Before I went home that summer, I saw the cover of "Metal Up Your Ass" and was convinced metal was idiotic. </div>
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Over the next few years, as I got into punk rock and hardcore, I hung onto my strong aversion to metal. I could not understand how someone could like punk/hardcore and metal at the same time. Fast-forward to my first summer after high school. Driving around with Buck and Jim Reynolds, I was completely won over by Slayer.</div>
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A decade later, it struck me weird when Drowningman would get reviewed in metal magazines. Truth be told any "hardcore" band at that time was more influenced by Slayer than Bad Brains.</div>
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My point? RIP <em style="font-style: normal;">Jeff</em> Hannem. If it weren't for that "metal," that music I hated as a 13 year old, my band and many others never would have existed. </div>
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simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-75507206909756596452013-05-02T14:25:00.004-07:002013-05-02T14:26:49.937-07:00Because some of you are reading this -- and also to relieve the sole-sucking boredom of the work-related writing I do -- I am going to try to post something every day. Or as close to it as humanly possible...<br />
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It's snowing in May in Kansas. In Vermont I expected it, here I am genuinely offended. I front-loaded my work week, missing out on nice weather earlier in the week.<br />
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Brought Celia to "Music Together" class this morning, she was pretty subdued. However, the teacher finally recognized a bit of her genius when she started arranging the toy drums into a drum-set. It made me nervous that she might be showing too much interest in the drums, this will need to be taken into consideration when house-hunting in case she ends up living in the basement until she is thirty-five.<br />
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But anyway, the teacher was impressed. Imagine if she had heard Celia's original composition "you be careful tiger"she was working on last night.<br />
<br />simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-82955657416362010742013-05-01T09:13:00.001-07:002013-05-01T09:14:23.674-07:00Busy Signal article in May 2013 issue of Terrorizer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-89666573460687373802013-04-30T12:32:00.001-07:002013-04-30T12:32:14.749-07:00With the re-release of the first Drowningman record, this blog is being mentioned in magazine articles and linked on websites. Since I haven't updated this in about three years, seems a fitting time to start.<div>
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I guess I have a few updates.</div>
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I did get married.</div>
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I am still living outside Kansas City. </div>
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I did graduate from law school (Business and Transactional certificate earned "With Distinction.")</div>
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I did pass the bar. </div>
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My wife and I are expecting our second daughter in 3 weeks. </div>
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I do have a two-and-a-half year old daughter who inherited a very loud and piercing scream.</div>
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Life is pretty different on the surface than it was 15 years ago when that first Drowningman LP came out on Hydrahead. In a lot of ways, I am still the same person as I found out after spending a few months out of law school trying out jobs that made me miserable. </div>
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I now work from home, consulting with businesses and have been lucky enough to add quite a few clients who are artists/writers/musician.</div>
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Javin and I got together to do an interview for Terrorizer in March when I was back in Vermont. It had been about a decade since we had hung out, talk did turn to playing music again, but we'll see if that comes to pass. We've talked a few times since I got back from our trip, and honestly it was just good to catch up with my friend.</div>
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So what have you been up to?</div>
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simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-19224693498579402682010-03-18T19:35:00.000-07:002010-03-18T19:36:54.608-07:00andi'm getting married in 9 days. i haven't been posting anything on this but.. yeah. there is that.simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-51193619937152997882009-11-04T17:02:00.000-08:002009-12-01T20:07:37.150-08:00the scheme demo re-re-upped<a href="http://www.mediafire.com/file/mmxgmz2d2o4/the%20scheme%20demos.zip">let's try this again</a>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-46465212527874821412009-10-28T15:43:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:44:29.345-07:00Scheme demo: re-up'd<a href="http://www.mediafire.com/?r2hct6n1hv4">Here</a><div><br /></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-37757661309565820052009-08-25T08:04:00.000-07:002009-08-25T08:18:02.220-07:00I will begin regularly posting again. I promise.Since a handful of people have requested to read more of my jabbering... here it is.<div><br /></div><div>Started my second year of law school yesterday. An abrupt shift from my summer routine, lost my wallet on the way to school, macbook would not turn on during my second class (battery/power cord issues). Neither was a big deal, someone turned in my wallet... I had dropped it in the parking lot of the gas station/taking my laptop to get looked at later.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before my third and final class of the day, I was outside the front of the law school... chain smoking and catching up on the reading (our school's email system is down so I had not gotten the assignment.)</div><div><br /></div><div>The last 5 or so pages were all charts and outlines which I wasn't sure if I needed to be reading for content or understanding how they were constructed.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, I decide to ask (loudly) a nearby friend sitting on a bench across from me "did you actually read ALL of this?"</div><div><br /></div><div>She gave me a strange look. I turned and saw out of my peripheral vision that the Prof. had just come up the steps and was standing right next to me. FML.</div><div><br /></div><div>He stopped before going inside, turned to look at me and said "No, just look at the pictures."</div><div><br /></div><div>Welcome back to law school.</div><div><br /></div><div>updates soon: </div><div>--I will re-up the Scheme demos this weekend as they have been down bc another site posted them and the traffic killed the link.</div><div>--I am also going to spend some time this weekend compiling a "Best of" of Drowningman songs (including an unreleased track if I can find it.) This is because too many of the people I have met in the past few years have only seen/heard that song from the last video. That song, content aside, sounds miserable due to mixing and mastering issues. Not how I would like it all to be remembered.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-39548927495645488092009-04-11T00:42:00.000-07:002009-04-11T00:47:22.748-07:00The Scheme Demos<a href="http://www.mediafire.com/?oe2wz3moriz">The Scheme 2002-3</a><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande'; font-size: 9px; line-height: 11px; ">In 2002 I moved to San Francisco to play with some of the original members of Drowningman, Denny Donovan and Todd Tomlinson.<br /><br />Todd had been playing with Peter Martin(Lifetime/jets to brazil) in a band called San Geronimo. They had been playing with Ian Miller (Redemption 87) in a new band which Denny and I moved cross country to join.<br /><br />These songs were all recorded in our practice space in Oakland by Denny. The sound quality is really good for a 16 track recording done in a little concrete box. No overdubs, no auto-tuned vocals a last vestige of the days when the "e" word meant bands like Promise Ring or Texas is the Reason. We had a shared love of Oasis which unfortunately manifested itself in rowdy drunken behavior more than it did in the music.<br /><br />We turned down a few labels and pissed off more. We were close to recording when it all fell apart. I dug these songs up for a friend the other night and listened to them for the first-time in a year. <br /><br />Lyrically and vocally part heart-broken bitterness (Your year is almost up, Cardboard casket showroom) or various misadventures of waking up in strange girls beds in strange apartments in neighborhoods you aren't sure how to get home from (Western Addition) or the night the fellas from Vermont invited some fine ladies home from the bar and all passed out while they robbed the apartment (Capt. Steubing finds a mate).</span><br /></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-87919909568997780622009-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:002020-01-25T20:13:35.354-08:00Drowningman: How They Light Cigarettes In Prison 1999<a href="http://www.mediafire.com/?dzy4njnmz2r">Drowningman: How They Light Cigarettes In Prison 1999</a>- hard to believe its been 10 years<br />
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As Biggie said: "if you dont know, now you know."</div>
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simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-42557634079336239972009-01-05T00:49:00.000-08:002009-01-05T00:51:15.069-08:002008Has been a motherfucker of a year. More on that another time.<div><br /></div><div>In the meantime here is a "mix" of some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite records of 2008.</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://rapidshare.com/files/179946089/2008mix.zip">HERE.</a></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-53670489094411256492008-07-17T23:13:00.001-07:002008-07-17T23:13:34.361-07:00j.sifllet me show you who i amsimonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-90459407020695577572008-06-07T22:00:00.000-07:002008-06-07T23:00:33.638-07:00Lily's training is continuing. She is coming to me even when I don't have pieces of hotdog for her. I usually do. I wrap the hotdog in a paper towel or plastic and put it in my pocket as I refuse to buy or wear a fanny pack.<div><br /><div>The other night as I was laying in bed. I started to think the trash needed taking out. I could smell it. Then I remembered I had taken the trash out earlier after cleaning the refrigerator. Could it still be rotten celery?</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I realized it was leftover hotdog in my shorts near the bed.</div><div><br /></div><div>It had to have been there a while as I played poker earlier in the night and the poker room is filled with smoke and that's mostly what I smelled. To the vegetarian nose a warming hotdog is not pleasant. So I got up and put it back in the special hotdog section of the fridge.</div><div><br /></div><div>It had been my first trip to the poker room and there was a small bearded guy with a hairlip named Bob who smelled pretty bad according to the people sitting next to him. I couldnt tell over the smoke odor.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I went back for an afternoon game. I was sitting for a while and got a whiff of something I imagined must be Bob. He wasn't at my table and I hadn't seen him when I came in and I did check because I like the fact that people had been losing money to him trying to put him out of the game to escape his odor. I doubt this was a conscious strategy but admirable in any case.</div><div><br /></div><div>I looked behind me to see if he had come in late and was sitting behind me.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I turned in my chair I felt the pieces of hotdog squish beneath me.</div></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-50655463392233902262008-06-06T14:53:00.000-07:002008-06-06T15:07:18.234-07:00back to the head-pressed-to-glass<div>slept too much or not enough </div><div>one of many nightime highways sailed, seas of unlit land</div><div>we are fast and near death </div><div>nothing moves out this window </div><div>a speck of light flickers on the horizon</div><div>then with conviction marks a point</div><div>we are moving forward, we are sure; we are alive</div><div><br /></div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-15543781526368518372008-06-04T15:23:00.000-07:002008-06-04T15:29:04.336-07:00that dog can haz hotdogsBetween last night and a long walk today, Lily has a good understanding of the "come" command. She was even able to ignore kids splashing in the swimming pool and stop sniffing another dog's butt to heed the "come" command in search of bits of hotdog.<div><br /></div><div>She is on a diet so I've cut back even more on her food to make way for the hotdogs.</div><div><br /></div><div>Trying to determine if I will be playing poker tonight, going to a show or playing trivia. </div><div><br /></div><div>Need to go to bed at a decent hour for swimming with my niece tomorrow but not before more late not hotdog training experiments off the leash and with the bunnies in the yard. Should be interesting.</div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-28970137975003895662008-06-03T14:56:00.000-07:002008-06-03T15:09:12.045-07:00Financial WizardryFor the first time in 4 years I have a bank account. It took me a total of 10 minutes to get and although I am still afraid of the man having control over my money... it is a welcome change.<div><br /></div><div>Joint finances can suck. One of the many things I will not miss is arguing about money.</div><div><br /></div><div>I set aside 100 in cash to go to the grocery store with after the gym. I got to the check out and it was gone. I immediately figured my loose shorts were to blame. I went back to the gym to see if anyone had turned in any money. Of course no one had. I just had to hope that whoever got it needed the money more than I did.</div><div><br /></div><div>I came home and the money was lying on the kitchen counter. I am considering purchasing a wallet later today.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lily seems happy with our new life. I even let her bring her stick inside last night and she is chewing it up in a very neat pile.</div><div><br /></div><div>The vet said she may have colitis the other day and suggested a new high fiber food and she seems to love it. She would be kind of upset if she knew that I had to leave 4 pounds of hotdogs at the supermarket which is going to be used in the long overdue doggy-training program.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is always tomorrow and the way things are going more awesome will be happening.</div>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-27227137798921218152008-05-29T14:49:00.000-07:002008-05-29T14:51:25.525-07:00this may take some getting used to...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px; "><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">So I’m sitting at the light, to my left is a large weather-beaten tent set up. The big sign with shitty lettering says “AMERICA NEEDS JESUS” and smaller signs advertise “Tent revival meeting at 7pm” and “All are welcome.” I don’t feel welcome but I appreciate the gesture. </span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">The car next to me is a beat-down and rusted-out Subaru, the kind I usually would expect to see with some “visualize whirled peas” or some such stickers on. Instead it has a “support our troops” sticker which I can get down with on some levels I suppose. The loud Rush Limbaugh coming from the rolled down windows I cannot.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I am trying so hard to not get angry lately. Compassion and not correction makes things a little easier to live with.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Please don’t doubt my capacity for anger. To my new friends and old enemies and everyone in between I’ve given at the office. I have felt and communicated the purest of hate towards so many people, thoughts and ideas that I felt needed a good Shutting The Fuck Up.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">So for now the world will move forward without my guidance and constant corrections. We’ve downgraded from hate to frustration. The imagined good intentions behind my war with the world have been pushed to the fore-front.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">If I’ve ever said something nasty to you and you miss it, I’m sure it’s still on file somewhere. I have a lot of years of viciousness to make up for. Unfortunately, I’m approaching this with the same all-or-nothing attitude I’ve lived my life with thus far.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I apologize in advance for any “hippy bullshit” or “faggotry” I am about to commit...</span></p></span>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4691197206911411729.post-6998826996469096822008-05-27T16:24:00.000-07:002008-06-08T21:20:33.557-07:00ready to die like Biggie<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family:'Trebuchet MS';font-size:13px;"><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 9px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 20px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);">Anyone that has the pleasure or chore of having a conversation with me knows I am given to wandering to passing thoughts in mid-sentence.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);">I dont know exactly why that is... the best spin I could put on that is that the inner-workings of my mind are a force of nature like the tide or the wind and I am trying to share this experience with you as it happens. The more practical, mechanical approach to this phenomenon would be explaining that I do most of my heavier, more "important" communications in the written form where I rely on being able to come back and clean up my thoughts through editing.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);">Before I completely focus on my need to explain myself I'll just say that some obsessive part of me feels the need to hit every detail without leaving any thought or emotion neglected. This can lend itself to over-analyzation and eventually I end up spinning my wheels not knowing where to start or end.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);">I've decided to let it come as it does and start at whatever point feels right and come back and fill the blanks in later.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 153, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Trebuchet MS; color: #cccccc; min-height: 15.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Trebuchet MS; color: #cccccc; min-height: 15.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Trebuchet MS; color: #cccccc; min-height: 15.0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I had an amazing 5 days in Marin County, California at the Spirit Rock Center's Dharma of Recovery retreat. I was able to meet Noah Levine who has in no small way touched my life up till this point and moreso over those 5 days.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I meet many wonderful people and was beginning my struggle transitioning into the "real" world.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"> </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The real story here starts at the airport and my return flight to Kansas. I had just had a difficult but ultimately amazing discussion with my Mom before I wandered into the San Francisco Airport.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I fumbled with papers in my pockets, searching for my ID and the potentially overwhelming process of operating the American Airlines self-check in kiosk.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">It took me at least 15 to 20 minutes. Including unpacking and packing my bags before discovering my drivers license folded into a handful of papers tucked into the first place I had looked for it. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Upon discovering my ID, I was unable to locate my recently printed out boarding pass and had to return to the kiosk. All this was done calmly and to my great surprise with no cursing aloud or even under my breath.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I had my bags searched at security where they discovered my tub of chili paste and I calmly asked the security guard to just throw it out. There would be other chili paste tubs.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Having throughly amazed myself with my new-found calm demeanor and that I was able to carry it with me into the "real" world. I went into the men's room and treated myself to the luxury of an unoccupied handicapped stall.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I slowly and deliberately placed my bags against the wall and hung my jacket and took a seat. I was still so profoundly confused and ultimately moved by how calm I was the thought of air travel usually putting me into a moderate level of constant panic.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">As I sat and thought I my mind was free of many insignificant details I usually would be given to obsessing over, among them the large gap between the seat and rim of the toilet. When I looked down and discovered that this unusually large gap had allowed a healthy stream of urine to escape onto my pants and underwear I met this with minimal distress and simply changed into clean things and bagged up the sullied garments into a shopping bag.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Once I was on the plane, which stopped on the runway to receive a new flight plan to avoid recently formed storm systems I was more relaxed than usual. Once we were in the air I admit I did grab the arm rests several times during some pretty significant turbulence. Part way through the flight I did consider the idea of looking for alternate transportation from Dallas to Wichita after landing.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Once we arrived 40 minutes late and I was forced to job carrying all my luggage a good 2 miles across the airport to my connecting flight, I admit I did check the time more than once and did find myself repeating a familiar refrain of "fuck this."</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I arrived out of breath with moments to spare, took my seat and collected much of the serenity I had been experiencing. I had flown through storms and was no longer in a panic over sounds and shifting of the aircraft that had been with me on some level since my flight out of Wichita had had some difficulty with the landing gear.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">It was a 50 minute flight with some degree of turbulence which I easily focused past using some of the tools I had been practicing of meditation and relaxation.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I felt I had made a huge break-through when on our approach into Wichita I was able to look out the window at the approaching lightening storm and just be in awe of it's power and beauty instead of giving into the fear I would have normally felt.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">As the plane came in lower and the storm continued to move towards the plane wind shear and wild air currents started to toss the plane causing the plane to be tossed around. People started moaning, crying and throwing up.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I grabbed for the protection cord on my wrist the plane started to climb again still being thrown around. An amount of time passed that I couldnt even begin to guess at, more crying, throwing up and some screams of terror as the plane fought against the wind and dropped dramatically. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">At a certain point I realized meditation was not going to be possible. My mind returned to crisis situations of the past and I started to list through some of my more popular fox-hole prayers. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The pilot came on the loudspeaker and let us know that we had encountered a storm if we hadn't been aware and let us know he would be making another approach from the north.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The second approach seemed to be worse with even larger drops in altitude and the added effect of lightening flashes on either side of the plane.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The thought occurred to me that in returning to the land of Kansas where the Baby Jesus is quite popular that perhaps my recent embrace of Buddhist practices had offended offended the powers that be. I threw a Lord's Prayer in there just to be safe. I then had an internal theological debate wherein I decided that my principles and practices in no way precluded other practices.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I had to close the window shutter as the second approach failed and the plane began to climb again into angry black clouds, horizontal driving rains and periodic thunder flashes. By this time the constant intense shifting of the plane made it difficult to tell if the plane was climbing or falling more screams, more loud vomiting.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I started repeating, "Everything is going to be OK. Everything is going to be alright," in my head and then quietly aloud. As a woman across the aisle began crying loudly I got on some real hippie type shit and yelled out "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT," as best I could. My voice was hoarse and choked with fear. I let myself give into some truly hippie behaviors, sending thoughts of love and metta to everyone on the plane, outward to the people I had met over the previous week and knew that it was being returned on some level.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">Time passes very slowly when you are sure you are going to die. I thought about my dog, Lily and how I had not wanted to make the trip so I could hang out with her. I thought about the elderly black couple in front of me and how they were clutching each other. Part of me wished my fiancee Stephanie was next to me because as she assured me later she wouldn't have been afraid. She would have held my hand. I then thought of my other worship practices and let the power of Morrissey into my mind from the Smiths song "There is a Light that never goes out."</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">"To die by your side</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">is such a heavenly way to die"</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I thought of the two empty seats next to me and deeply wished Lily the dog and Mizzi the Cat were in them. My mind wandered to breaking other airline policies besides having a dog in an aisle seat and I thought about lighting up a cigarette.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">I then realized death may very well be coming and I had hit all the high notes of things important to me, my loved ones new and old, towards strangers, friends and enemies. I was "ready to die" and my favorite habit of anger took hold momentarily. I had positive things I wanted to do with my life from this point forward and didn't want to be cheated of them, I was also tired of the panic and fear and if it was time to die I wanted it to happen already.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The flight smoothed out some. The pilot announced we were redirecting to Kansas City and as I later discovered we had flown directly through the storm cell to get there.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">The stewardess began distributing paper towels to clean up the vomit. She helped a woman several seats ahead of me to a blanket to wrap around her waist to cover her soaked shorts.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);">It was then that I knew everything was going to be OK. I had been allowed to urinate on myself on my own terms before the flight.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 19px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 19px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"> </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; text-align: center; line-height: 20px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 21px; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><b></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 21px; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><b></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 21px; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><b></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 21px; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><b></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 21px; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><b></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 255, 102);"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 25px; font: normal normal normal 18px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"><a href="http://simonstilllovesyou.blogspot.com/2008/05/ready-to-die-like-biggie-epilogue.html" style="font-weight: bold; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">ready to die like Biggie- Epilogue</span></span></b></a></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 9px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 20px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Once we had the most un-smooth landing I'd ever been a part of in KC everyone started clapping the elderly black man in front of me yelled out "I love everybody. I love all you people."</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Everyone was happy and talking about sharing rental cars and getting out and kissing the ground. The stewardess got on the intercom as everyone collected in the aisles and asked all these people who had been in terror minutes earlier to take their seats while the pilot assessed the situation to see if we had been going back up.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">The ridiculousness of her turning her back to us to talk to us over an intercom when we were 7 feet away from her in a plane that stank of vomit hit me. </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">I loudly demanded she open the door so those of us that wanted off could get off punctuating it with " I need a fucking cigarette."</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">She let us off about half of us got off. Of the people that chose to get off one of them was a retired engineer who spent his life building planes and helicopters with over a million frequent flyer miles who said "I have never been that close to death on an airplane." The other was a gentleman from Dubai who was an amateur hot air balloon pilot who let everyone know "If the lightening hit the plane we drop like rock from the sky."</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">OK. My fears were justified. The pilots looked at the radar screen telling us the storm was moving off as we could plainly observe lightening striking through the window.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">Before they took off again with those that chose to stay on the plane, the elderly black couple came off the plane. Clearly shaken, they were asking us what was going on. It was then that I saw that the old man was blind. </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">In the confusion they ended up getting back on the plane after the airline refused to pay for hotels or alternate transportation for people that would be understandably hesitant to fly again.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">I thought about them later. About his declaration of love for everyone on the flight and thought about how as scared as they were they quite possibly couldn't have afforded to rent a car or take a bus. How extra frightening and confusing the situation was for a blind man and how I wish they had stayed a few minutes longer when everyone had accepted the fact that the airline just wanted to move bodies regardless of trauma or safety and we all started helping each other and making plans to share rental cars and such.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; min-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Trebuchet MS; "><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);">As cool as it was to even see the airline employees drop the company line and get into the spirit of cooperation that old blind man's face with stay with me.</span></span></span></p></span>simonbyronbrodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08638589444450830577noreply@blogger.com3